(The photo made by Gemini)
I'm not feeling well today. In fact, I haven't been feeling good for the rest of July. I feel trapped in a bubble that easily cracks whenever something unpleasant happens or is felt. Last night, I had an anger outburst with my son over a small mistake. Suddenly, I realized I had started falling back into toxic habits.
I'm spending a lot of time on my phone, becoming addicted to gossip, focusing on other people's lives and behaviors, and oversharing. I'm addicted to social media, triggered by others' success, and constantly seeking recognition. My mind is filled with negativity every day, and most dangerously, I criticize myself so much that I've lost my confidence. In short, I'm living in a "fight or flight" response every day.
I've noticed this pattern since the beginning of the year. I spent almost all my energy studying for my IELTS so I could pursue a PhD. Based on my ChatGPT history, I remember constantly thinking that something bad would happen. I spent my time, money, health, and sacrificed family time during that process. To be honest, it almost killed me because I didn't have enough resilience to handle the stress. The IELTS was finished in May, but the prolonged effects are still happening. I still question myself, have doubts, and go to sleep with my phone, doom-scrolling like a zombie. I've been trying hard to get out of this feeling by doing many things, like reading novels, self-help books, and writing, but nothing seems to work.
Last night, as I went to bed, I realized something. I haven't given myself time and credit to change. I haven't committed to changing my life and easing my stress. I don't trust myself and don't believe I can change. I have no trust in myself at all. That's why I'm writing this. I want to express my stress and try to find a way to ease it. I want to heal and become more assertive and positive. That's why I've been reading a book by Dr. Aditi about breaking the stress cycle, and I'm trying to apply all the steps to my life and write about the process here, which I haven't finished yet.
So, this blog post is the first in my series on tackling my stress, and I will write more about how later. For now, I'm trying to minimize my bad habits and start talking to myself more seriously. I'm asking myself what I want and what I feel. I want to express myself—my hurts, my wants, my everything—and try to reconnect with myself. Then, I hope to become a better human, especially a better parent.
😍😍
BalasHapus